War with Russia

The Cold War was at its height when Brezhnev was in charge of Russia. Things did not look so good in the West and the mayor of Ballygobackwards was distressed.

'Inhumanity, suffering, international distrust, all because of one man and one country,' he said. "Tis time someone took him to task.'

'Agreed,' said the rest of the council. 'Agreed!'

'Right then,' said the major. 'We'll declare war on Russia as of now and tell them that if they don't toe the line we'll invade.'

'Agreed,' said the council, and the declaration of war was drawn up. Paddy Rafferty was delegated to deliver the document personally to Brezhnev in Moscow, and off he set.

By car, by taxi, by horse, by rail, by sea and finally by air, Rafferty travelled till he got to the Kremlin.

'Brezhnev,' he said addressing the man face to face. 'It's war, and there's no turning back!'

'Wait a minute,' said Brezhnev. 'I've never even heard of Ballygobackwards. Does it have an army?'

'No,' said Rafferty, 'but we have our twelve policemen.'

'Does it have tanks, guns and planes?' asked Brezhnev.

'No, but we've lots of horses, two shotguns and a kite!' insisted the Irishman.

'What about ships?' went on the Russian leader.

'Aha, got you there,' said Rafferty. 'We've three motor boats and several kayaks!'

'But my dear fellow,' beamed Brezhnev, 'we have thousands of tanks, guns and planes. We have the greatest navy afloat. We have an army of twenty-five million men...'

'How many men?' asked Rafferty.

Twenty-five million,' said the Russian.

'In that case,' said Rafferty, 'the war's off.'

'Are you scared?' asked Brezhnev.

'No,' replied Rafferty, 'but we've nowhere to put all the prisoners!'