One Liners

Did you hear about the Deny man who made a million?
He bought a row of corner shops.

This Belfast woman had been standing at the bar in a pub on the Ormeau Road for an hour, tapping her fingers impatiently. Finally the door opened and her husband walked in, looking hot and bothered.
'I'm sorry I'm so late, love,' he said. 'There's bomb scares everywhere and the whole place is accordioned off.'

'I've got a joke on you, said the Derry man. 'You didn't pull the curtains last night and I saw you in bed with your wife.'
The joke's on you, said the other Derry man. 'I wasn't in last night.'

Two Bangor women were sitting chatting in the hairdresser's.
'Do you think women prefer conceited men or the other kind?' asked Samantha.
'What other kind?' asked Jane.

Where's the best place to buy a house in Belfast?
British Home Stores.

Four Stranocum men were killed drinking milk yesterday.
The cow fell over.

A survey by the Northern Ireland Office has just revealed what Ballymena men do with old razor blades.
Shave.

'Da, asked the Belfast five-year-old, 'what makes children delinquent?'
'Shut up, son. Pour yourself another drink and deal.'

The Black and Tans lifted O'Reilly and dragged him off to the gallows in the pouring rain.
'That's an awful day, isn't it?' he remarked to the hangman.
'You're lucky, said the hangman. I've got to walk home in it.'

The phone rings at Purdysburn. 'Hello, who's in Room 34?'
'There's no one in Room 34.'
'Hooray, I've escaped!'