One Liners

What's the Ulster definition offoreplay?
'Brace yourself, Bridget.'

A Ballymena man was walking down the street when another one rushed up to him.
'Are you the man who dived into the river to save my wee son?' said the man.
'Aye, I am.'
'Well, where's his cap?'

What's Gerry Adams'bodyguard called?
Liam O'Loan.

Six Strabane men piled out of a pub, barely able to walk, and started to climb into a Mini.
'You drive, Liam! said Kevin, 'You're too drunk to sing.'

A Belfast man, a Deny man and a Ballymena man go for a splash-up meal at the Culloden Hotel. As they're getting up from the table, the Ballymena man says: It's all right, everyone, I'll get the bill.
The headline on the front page of the next day's Irish News read: 'Belfast ventriloquist kicked to death in hotel foyer'.

A Deny man went to see a psychiatrist. 'Doctor,' he said, 'is it possible to become infatuated with an elephant?'
'Of course not,' said the doctor. 'Don't be silly.' 'Well, in that case,' said the Deny man, 'do you know anyone who's looking for an extra large engagement ring?'

'Son, will you look after your oul' mammy when I'm old and grey?'
'Why, Mammy, what'll you be doing?'

This fella spent an hour wandering aimlessly around a gent's outfitter's in Newtownards before approaching the shopkeeper.
'Listen! he said, 'have you none of those dunchers with the peak at the back?'

It was a bitterly cold winter in Ballymena, and the teacher was warning the children to be careful about wrapping up well.
'My neighbour's little boy went out on his sledge in the snow and caught pneumonia, and within three days he was dead, she said.
'Where's his sledge, miss?' came a voice from the back of the class.

Two Strabane men were working on a building site laying pipes. When they'd finished filling in, they still had a large pile of earth left over.
'I wonder how that happened?' said Liam.
'We mustn't have dug the hole deep enough,' said Kevin.