One liners

'I've bought a new clock,' boasted Clancy. 'It goes eight days without winding.'

'How long does it go if you do wind it?' asked the barman.

The drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: 'How long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?'

'Just a second,' said the receptionist.

Thank you,' said the drunk and replaced the phone.

'Wasn't it tragic about my brother Michael,' moaned Kelly. 'Women and whiskey killed him.'

'Is that so?' sympathised OToole.

'Yes, he couldn't get either so he hung himself!'

'Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?' asked McPhee.

'Sure, she decided it for me,' answered Kelly. 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I've bought her a pack of cards!'