Expensive dinner

Burke had taken his wife to the plushest restaurant to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They'd actually eaten very little but the bill came to a staggering £200.

'Why so much?' spluttered Burke. 'We only had the main course and two glasses of wine.'

'Ah. Yes, sir,' said the smart-alec waiter. 'But there were other things, nuts, apples, crisps, bread, butter.'

'But we never touched them,' protested Burke.

'No, but they were there if you'd wanted to,' sneered the waiter.

'All right,' said Burke. 'It's £200 less £195 for making advances to my wife.'

'But I never laid a finger on her!' said the waiter.

'No,' said Burke. 'But she was there if you'd wanted to!'