One Liners

A Kerryman won a round-the-world cruise in a raffle. He refused to accept his prize because he said that he had no way of getting back.

A Kerry guard was giving evidence at a court case arising out of a motor accident.
'I measured the distance between the skid marks and the footpath', he said, 'and found that it was exactly the same as the distance between the footpath and the skid marks'.

How do you keep a Kerryman happy for an afternoon?
Write P.T.O. on both sides of a piece of paper.

A Kerryman decided to become a terrorist and was assigned to hi-jack an aircraft. He didn't get on very well however. He planted a bomb in the plane and gave the pilot five minutes to leave the cabin.

Announcement at a Dublin railway station:
The next train for Galway will leave at 13.50 hours.
The next train for Wexford will leave at 14.25 hours.
The next train for Kerry will leave when the big hand is at the twelve and the little hand is at the four.

Why do Kerry dogs have flat faces?
From chasing parked cars.

How do you confuse a Kerryman?
Place three shovels against the wall, and tell him to take his pick.

A fellow was charged with murder, so he bribed a Kerryman on the jury to have the jury find him guilty of manslaughter. After being out ten hours, the jury returned a verdict of manslaughter.
I'Il be for ever in your debt', the defendant said to the Kerryman, 'how did you manage it at all?'
'I had a terrible job', said the Kerryman, 'the other eleven wanted to acquit you'.

Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library was burned down?
Both books were destroyed, and worse still, one hadn't even been coloured in.

How many Kerrymen does it take to milk a cow?
Twenty-four. One to hold each teat, and twenty to lift the cow up and down.