One Liners

Have you heard about the two Kerrymen who hi-jacked a submarine?
They demanded half a million pounds ransom and two parachutes.

Have you heard about the Kerryman who damaged his health by drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

A fellow walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke. 'I'm warning you', said the barman, 'I'm a Kerryman myself. "That's alright', said the fellow, Til tell it slowly'.

Have you ever seen a Kerryman's alarm clock?
It has a long piece of string attached. All he has got to do is pull the string five minutes before the time the clock is set for and it wakes him.

I'll never be able to understand', said a Kerryman reading a newspaper, 'how people always seem to die in alphabetical order'.

How would you get a Kerryman to climb onto the roof of a pub?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Have you heard about the Kerryman who fed and starved his pigs on alternate days?
He wanted to sell them for streaky bacon.

Two Kerrymen emigrated to America, and were sitting in New York harbour thinking of home. A diver suddenly emerged from the water near where they sat. 'Will you look at that', said one Kerryman to the other, 'why didn't we save the boat fare by walking to America?'

A Corkman was brought to court for pushing a Kerryman off the top of Cork's County Hall - the tallest building in Ireland. 'You shouldn't have done that you know', said the judge, 'you might have hurt somebody walking below'.

A Kerrywoman out shopping met the doctor who was treating her husband.
'Did you take his temperature this morning as I told you?' he asked.
'Indeed I did doctor', she replied, I took the barometer from the hall and put it on his chest. It said VERY DRY, so I gave him two bottles of stout and he recovered immediately'.