One Liners

Two Kerrymen had been lying in wait for over three hours in order to ambush their sworn enemy. Finally one Kerryman turned to the other and said, 'He's late. I hope to God nothing has happened to the poor fellow'.

First Kerryman: 'How much did the garage charge for towing your car home from Dublin'.
Second Kerryman: '£100'.
First Kerryman: 'That was a bit steep wasn't it?'
Second Kerryman: 'I made them earn every penny of it. I kept the handbrake on all the way'.

A lady hired three Kerrymen to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third was. 'Oh he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling'.

A Kerryman wrote the following letter to the editor of a newspaper:
Dear Sir,
Last week I lost my gold pocket watch, so yesterday I put in an ad. in your LOST AND FOUND columns. Last night I found the watch in the trousers of my other suit.
God Bless your newspaper.

A Kerryman went to Dublin to earn his living as a con man. He didn't fare too well, however. The first fellow to whom he tried to sell O'Connell Bridge turned out to be the owner and the Kerryman had to give him £20 to stop him reporting the incident to the Guards.

A Kerryman joined the New York police force and was given a patrol car to drive. The climax of his career came when he gave chase to the most wanted gang of criminals in the city, in his patrol car. Unfortunately, he noticed from his mileometer that the 20,000 miles were up, so he had to pull into a garage for an oil change.

What, do you call a yellow-skinned Kerryman?
The JapofDunloe!

A homesick Kerryman in a Birmingham dole queue, asked the man next to him if he was from Kerry.
'Look', said the fellow, 'it's bad enough being black'.

On the first night of their honeymoon, a Kerryman confessed to his bride that he had a major deficiency - he was 100% colour-blind.
She replied, 'You sho am dat honey, you sho am dat'.

One Kerryman met another at the races. 'I've just pulled a fast one on the bookies', grinned the first Kerryman, 'I'm bound to have the winner in the next race'. 'How can you be certain?' asked the second Kerryman.
'I've put £10 on every one of the twenty horses in the race'.