One Liners

Two Kerrymen went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French. One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing. 'Do you know', said one Kerryman to the other, 'that's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived'.

A Kerryman got a job commanding a fire brigade. One night the brigade was called to a small fire. The Kerryman shouted out, 'Hold it a minute and let it burn up a bit so we can see what we're doing'.

A tourist in Kerry came upon a level crossing with one gate open and the other gate shut.
'We're half expecting a train', explained a Kerryman.

A Glasgow chap visiting Kerry wanted to buy a bicycle costing £20, but had only £12. So he pawned the £12 for £10, sold the pawn ticket to a Kerryman for £10, and bought his bicycle.

A Kerryman was sick and tired of people heartily slapping him on the back when they met him, so he devised a plan. He put half a dozen sticks of dynamite under his jacket and said, 'There! The next fellow who slaps me on the back will have his stupid arm blown off.

A Kerryman got a job as an electrician and his first assignment was to mend a broken door bell for an old lady. After an hour, he returned to his employer and reported, The old lady wasn't in. I rang the bell three or four times, but there was no reply'.

Two Kerrymen were passing by a nudist colony, so they decided to peep in over the wall and see what was going on inside. So one Kerryman stood on the other's shoulders. 'Are there men and women there?' asked the lower Kerryman. 'I can't tell', said the upper Kerryman, 'they've got no clothes on'.

How do you get forty Kerrymen into a Mini-minor?
Tell them it's going to Dublin.

A Kerryman boasted that he had an axe that had lasted over a hundred years. It had been fitted with only five new heads and eight new handles.

How do you recognise a bath made in Kerry?
It's got taps at both ends to keep the water level.