One Liners

Like most Tipperarymen, a school inspector who operated in the Limerick area thought that the 'Devil's Bit' was the most important mountain in Ireland. A little boy was asked by this inspector one day where the said 'Devil's Bit' was and he replied that it was probably in his mouth.

Farmers believe that the best time to study the book of nature is when spring opens the leaves and when autumn turns them.

Why is farming dangerous in the spring?
Because the buds are shooting and the Bullrush is out.

As he walked along the icy road past the church the farmer slipped and fell. The priest observed the accident and remarked:
'My good man, sinners stand on slippery places.'
'So I see,' said the farmer, 'but I can't.'

The farmer's daughter finally spoke firmly to her persistent suitor:
'I can not marry you and I'm sure I have never let you see any encouragement written on my face.'
Hurt, but wishing to have a parting stab, the suitor said: 'Well I suppose I wasn't able to read between the lines.'

She wore Wellingtons, a dirty coat and was anything but attractive.
HE: 'What about a nice long walk down by the hayfield?'
SHE: 'Oh I'd love to Johnny.'
HE: 'Well, don't let me detain you.'

During the war years, when public houses and restaurants laid on facilities for horse-drawn 'drays' of turf and their owners who brought loads of the fuel to the city from the bogs, one enterprising publican placed a notice in his window which read:
FOR EATING YOURSELF AND HORSE : SIX SHILLINGS.

First Farmer: 'He writes very well in a farmer's magazine-has a great turn of phrase.'
Second Farmer: 'Mmmm. He's good a turning other writers' phrases into his own.'

When filling in his income-tax form, something new for him, the farmer filled in the space reading 'Number of children' as follows: 'Two. One alive and one in the County Council.'

The farmer charged into the solicitor's office and demanded £3 for the meat that he claimed the solicitor's dog took from the carrier of his bicycle and ate. The solicitor claimed that the farmer ought not to have left the bicycle with the meat unattended but after much haggling he handed over the £3. On the following day the farmer got a bill from the solicitor for £5 for a consultation fee.