One Liners

The farmer's wife came home from her first meeting in the city in very bad form. 'What happened?' asked her husband. 'Well,' said his wife, 'they're good at nothing up there but making sandwiches. Butter, slap, thump; butter, slap, thump and they keep talking a hundred to the dozen a hundred scandals to the dozen sandwiches.'

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First Farmer: 'When I meet the Minister for Agriculture I say, "Hi" to him and he says, "Hi" back to me and when we meet in our cars I go 'Toot" to him and he goes "Toot" back to me.'
Second Farmer: 'You have a close relationship, then?' First Farmer: 'Aye. It's what you might call a "Hi" for a "Hi" and a "Toot" for a "Toot".'

Stories of Recruiting Teams for the British Army trying to be smart with rural youths were plentiful during the early years of our State. A Recruiting Sergeant came upon a youth holding a donkey by having his arms about his neck. 'I say, Sonny, why are you holding your brother in that manner?' he asked insultingly.
The young man was too quick for the Sergeant by far, however, and he quickly replied, 'I'm afraid he might join the British Army.'

Question: 'Why are you stirring your tea with your left hand?'
Answer: 'I'm not. I'm using a spoon.

Two farmers, both afflicted with stammers, discussed the cleverness of one of their dogs.
'Wwwwwwhy. He'd nnnnearly tttttttalk tto you,' said one and the other replied:
'Ttttttthat mmmmmakes ttttthree of us.'
One of those two farmers, when asked if his stammer affected his business transactions at the creamery,said: 'Nnnno. Only when I ttttttalk.'

'My father was Fine Gael and his father before him was Fine Gael,' said the young man who had just received his vote, and was engaged in the age-old argument on politics. With a flourish he added: 'And by heavens, I'm going to be Fine Gael too.'
His farming friend asked: 'Suppose your father was a fool and his father before him was a fool, what, according to your argument, should you be?' The farmer was not prepared for the quick answer: 'A Fianna Failer'.

A man of the soil, he dreaded the toast to the bridesmaids that he knew he would have to give at his wedding reception. He insisted upon not making the speech but the groomsman, his parents and everybody insisted as strongly that he should comply with convention. So when he rose to speak, he held his new bride's hand for support; but the opening words of his speech were, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this thing has been forced upon me.'

Two young men, Mick and Con, were charged with unlawful possession of arms. A Garda gave evidence of Mick's cocking a gun and aiming it at the Garda while riding on a motorcycle with Con as a pillion passenger. There was quite an amount of conflicting evidence about the whole thing and eventually the Judge said, 'Ah, I think it must be concocted.' At this, Con jumped up and shouted: 'It was not. It was Mick that cocked it!'

The boy told his mother that somebody had called at the farmhouse door while she was out with the chickens.
'And why didn't you answer the door?' asked the mother.
'Don't be so stupid, Ma,' said the boy, 'whoever heard a door asking questions?'