One Liners

A farmer who believed in ghosts and evil spirits was particularly sacred of the Devil. He was always uneasy passing the local cemetery at night. One night two thieves selected the cemetery to share out the large number of cartons of cigarettes which they had stolen. The farmer came along and his hair really stood on end when he heard the hushed voice coming from the cemetery: 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me...'

The sixteen stone farmer's wife went on a diet last year. Now she weighs only six stone and that includes her headstone.

'Are horses drug addicts?' asked the farmer's son.
'Of course not,' replied the farmer.
'Then why do you say, "Live horse and you'll get grass",' asked the boy.

When the crow flew overhead, Mick took off his cap and looked at it remarking, 'lucky cows don't fly.'

A knock came at the farmhouse door and the farmer's little boy answered it. The man at the door spoke: 'I have come to enquire about the donkey for sale.' Boy (Shouting into kitchen): 'Da, you're wanted.'

The cross farmer caught the young boy in the act of robbing his orchard.
Farmer: 'If you were my son I'd send you to a reformatory.'
Boy: 'If I was your son, I'd volunteer to go.'

An enterprising Gare farmer set up his own small industry manufacturing mechanical turnip snaggers. At present, up to fifteen snaggers an hour are rolling off the assembly line. Production will be higher when the snaggers stop rolling off the assembly line.

One of the newest farmers' jokes concerns the farmer who was working his fields near Shannon Airport when a cargo plane bearing parts for Datsun motor cars flew overhead. A' large container of gear cogs burst open and cogs began dropping down into the field where the farmer worked. He looked up and remarked, 'Good Lord! It's raining Datsun cogs.'

A farmer's definition of 'competition' is: Two blacksmiths in a one-horse town.

The farmer's tiny tot toddled around the kitchen not knowing that her father and mother were not on the best of terms. She made the remark to nobody in particular in fact almost to herself: 'Mammies are prettier than Daddies.' Delighted at the chance the mother said, 'Naturally.' Without taking his face from behind the newspaper, the farmer countered with: 'No. Artificially.'