One Liners

The Garda had become interested in farming and had decided to rear pigs. He looked for a half-day free from the Sergeant:
He wrote:
'I wish to apply for a half-day to buy a pig in plain clothes.'

The farmer was losing heavily going into the last race at Kilbeggan.
Farmer: "That's my last pound. I'm going to say a little prayer that I'll win.'
Friend: 'Who will you pray to?'
Farmer: 'To St Leger.'

The farmer's wife studied the television advertisements carefully. She went into a shoe-shop and asked for a packet of studs for leather gloves.
'Studs for leather gloves! Who ever heard the like? What do you mean?' asked the assistant.
'Well, with the price you're charging for shoes I was going to let the fingers do the walking,' said the customer.

A farmer had a habit of dropping his 'h's. He boasted about the local fine Agricultural Show to his friends. The prizes are great. There are silver cups for the fattest 'eifers, plaques for the 'eifers with the thickest necks and the Perpetual Challenge Cup goes to the biggest 'eifer of all.

The clergyman was concerned when the farmer told him that, in support of women's liberation, he had employed a farmgirl to work with his staff of five farmhands. Tell me, Faddy, is she chaste?' asked the clergyman. 'Bedad she is, Father all over the farmyard,' answered Paddy.

The farmer was very proud of his eldest daughter.
"The man who marries my daugher will get a prize,' he said.
'What will it be?' came the question across the room.

Then there was the farmer who thought the Royal Mint was what the Queen put on her lamb.

He thought that macaroni had something to do with the discovery of radio.

And he said that if Adam and Eve wore fig-leaves then their children probably wore tea-leaves.

It was the young farmer's first date and his girl was more experienced than him, to say the least. They lay at the bottom of the hill and caressed some. Somewhat impatiently, she took his hand, placed it on her knee and said, 'what about going a bit higher?' whereupon the young farmer stood and started climbing up the hill.