One Liners

Farmer (To labourer): 'You're fired.'
Labourer: 'Why? What have I done?'
Farmer: 'Nothing.'

Questions in Kerry Macra na Feirme Quiz:
1. Name the winning jockey in the 1976 Greyhound Derby.
2. Name the odd-man-out: Pope John, Cardinal Conway, Al Capone, Archbishop of Dublin.
3. Who won World War Two?
4. Who came second?

The farmer's daughter was not endowed with good looks. One evening she sped into the farmyard on her bicyle, dismounted in a great hurry, dropped her bicycle and screamed at her father, 'Dad. I was followed home by a sex-maniac.' The father coolly asked, 'are you complaining or boasting?'

Tom: 'Did you hear about the farmer that put the pound on the plate at Mass?'
Joe: 'No.'
Tom: 'Neither did I.'

And the difference between an otter and a baby is that an otter makes his bed in the river.

The farmer said to his girl-friend: 'Now that I have given up the cigarettes I'm beginning to smell again.'

The doctor had prescribed tablets for the farmer's nerves. He collected them at the pharmacist's and read the instructions on the bottle. 'Give one to wife three times a day. In extreme cases give full bottle to wife.'

Farmer's wife: 'Lying is one of my failings.'
Farmer: 'No. It's one thine vou succeed at' And what about the poor farmer that burned his ear listening to a match.

He had done well at the cattle mart and was under the weather as he returned home in the bus. An ugly spinster glared at him as he slumped in a drunken stupour.
'You're absolutely disgusting,' she shouted and added, You're disgraceful and a really horrible sight.' He opened one eye, looked at his attacker, hiccupped and said, 'so are you, madam, but 111 be sober in the morning.'

Farmer (To wife who insisted on driving his tractor): 'Where did you leave the tractor?'
Wife: 'In the Mill field.'
Farmer: 'But there's no way into the Mill field!'
Wife: 'There is now.'

What's the difference between a Cork farmer and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.