One Liners

A notice in a cattle-mart read:
FARMERS WITH CATTLE ARE WARNED THAT THEY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE SALE-RING IN AN INTOXICATED CONDITION.

Another in the bar of the mart read:
PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE WHILE THE ROOM IS IN MOTION.
... all lies, of course. Notices can't read!

The farmer from Pontoon who had fifteen children and whose wife was expecting another was asked was it not too many. He replied, 'well you can't stick at fifteen in Pontoon.'

There is hardly anything as exasperating as well meant pieces of advice being proffered by people when one is in some kind of trouble. A farmer was having great trouble trying to locate an electrical fault in his tractor. His wife came on the scene and asked him what was wrong with the tractor.
'Short circuit,' grunted her husband, who really almost blew a fuse when his wife suggested: 'Well why don't you try a longer one!'

Learned farmers have always claimed that one's ankle is there in order to prevent the calf from getting at the corn.

The Queen was to pay a visit to Northern Ireland and a rumour went about that she was very fond of big eggs so the hens were ordered to give a Royal Command Performance.

Then there was the farmer's wife who boasted that neither herself or her husband ever used any mechanical devices in the kitchen or in the turnip field.

Occasional freaks occur in the birth of livestock like five-legged calves and so on. A cockney student-veterinarian-surgeon was assisting a farmer on his rounds and they were called to a byre where a three-headed calf had been born. Aghast at the sight which he saw, the student vet. remarked 'Hello, Hello, Hello.'

Q. What did the elderberry say when the horse trampled upon it?
A. Nothing. It just let out a little whine!

Then there was the farmer whose bank manager told him he was looking rather pale and overdrawn. . ,. ,
Q. What do you get if you cross a bull with a mouse?
A. Huge holes in the skirting board.