One Liners

What goes against a farmer's grain?
His reaper.

'Has a lemon got legs?' asked an inebriated farmer of his friend in the public house.
'Of course not,' answered the friend.
'Well then I've squeezed the canary into my gin,' said the farmer.

Then there was the mean farmer who got married, brought his bride to the station and handed her a ticket to Dubh'n. 'Off you go on your honeymoon, girl. It would be waste of money if I went for I was there before.'

Farmer's wife (to farmhand): 'Are you going to the sale of work in the Parish Hall, Tom?
Tom: 'You don't mean to tell me that people buy work, Mam?'

A retired civil servant moved into the country to commence chicken farming. He purchased 5,000 eggs off a local poultry farmer to start his business. Three weeks later he returned and asked to purchase a further 10,000 eggs. 'You must be doing very well,' ventured the farmer. 'Well not really,' said the retired gentleman. 'The first lot didn't come up I must have planted them too far apart.'

The same fellow thought a purple swede was an angry Scandinavian.

In the old days of the threshings when the keg of porter would be dispensed to the neighbouring helpers one helper came to complain to the farmer about how things were being handled in that department. He complained thus: 'It's not a bit fair to have some getting it all and none getting the rest.'

Farmer's son: 'Daddy, what is a blizzard?'
Farmer: 'A hen's second stomach for grinding food.'

Doctor: 'You have nothing to worry about. You have not got pneumonia. It is only influenza
Farmer: 'Doctor, please be honest with me. Did you not once treat a man for influenza who died of pneumonia?'
Doctor: 'My dear man. Anybody I ever treated for influenza died from influenza. I do not make mistakes.'

The I.C.A. claim to be the oldest woman's club in the country.
Their husbands claim that the rolling pin is!